my holiday - dec 27, 2009

The plan for today is to go to the mall so I could get connected to the internet and send Abeng’s report. I also need to send some money to pay the laptop I have been using since last month. But at the end of the day, none of those plans were realized, hehe. My mom went for pengajian so I had to take care of the house while she is away. This includes cooking and doing dishes and… well, that’s all basically coz other stuff have been handled by mom before she left for pengajian :p. It is only an hour different between Pekanbaru and Makassar, but on the first day I still experienced jet lag. The night I arrived, it was hard for me to go to bed even if the clock showed 2 a.m. then my mom woke me up at 7 which in my bedroom still looks like it is still 5. I rushed for Subuh pray, wondering if God would still accept that super excessively late pray.

So my dad and I had grilled fish and long been vegetable for the lunch, which tasted soooooo…….. so great. Fresh, simple but healthy. Then I helped my mom cutting some fabrics for her to sew. Yup, mom is a tailor. She owns a very very small business coz her customers are people in the neighborhood. I am happy and proud to tell anyone that my mom is a tailor. Because of her business she and my dad could afford to send their three children to the university. Now when all of us had graduated, she still continue to sewing, no longer to pay our tuition fee, but to keep her occupied when each of her kid live in three different islands: I am in Sumatra, my sista is in Java and my brother is in Papua – while she herself and my dad live in Sulawesi Island. Yep, we are the islanders.

my holiday - dec 26, 2009

I had about over four hours transit before my next plane that will take me to Makassar. So, after having rather weird breakfast (I had spicy meatball soup!) and dim sum for take away, I went straight away to mba oz flat. We have promised to meet. She is always been the one I visit mostly whenever I am in Jakarta.

She was taking a shower when I phoned her. So I waited for 15 minutes before she opened the gate. Her room looks different. She had rearranged it. Looks good, I like it. Although still there is not much room left. And that is because her room only 3x2 meters in size where all her wealth are stucked in.

She made me a tea. I actually don’t fancy a tea. In fact, due to my rather strange illness, which I discovered when I was at Uni, I can’t take drinks or food that has caffeine in it, or I’ll have this crazy heartbeats and feeling that my body is blown away, plus a headache. But somehow, that noon, cloudy over Jakarta’s sky, I could enjoy the tea she made for me. It’s like discovering a new flavor of drink that you knew you’ll like it.

So we talked while she was finishing a big portion of dim sum that I brought for her. Family, work, romance. Yes, things which are so normal for two women at age 25 or over. But surprisingly have brought us a lot closer than when we shared the boarding house back at Uni. We have these common: put a smile every time family things get too demanding, accepting minuses from our work place so it won’t bother our productivity, while both of us are in a process of letting go a thing that beyond our reach.

Once she finished the dim sum, well technically I finished it because she won’t eat the cabbage and potato, she offered to watch a dvd with her brand new tiger skin like laptop. First we tried to watch inglorious bastards starred by brad pitt. It only went for 10 minutes when we decided to change the movie coz it is too heavy for a lazy noon. So we saw my sister’s keeper. A family drama movie about dying kid, adorable fighting mother, a handsome dad, a dyslexia brother and a suing youngest. I got so into the movie when I realized that I have plane to catch. So I hurried to sit on a back of ojeg while licking my spongebob ice cream (don’t care no more about dusk, bacteria, viruses flown to my ice cream- I just enjoyed it!) then took a cab and asked the driver to go 100km speed so that I don’t get late.

It was a big plane. Boeing 737-900, a lot bigger than old one of 737-400. It took a little over two hours to get to Makassar. While sweet rain welcoming us at the Sultan Hasanuddin airport, I was glad that the flying went smooth; from take off to the landing. Excellent skill of the pilot! I don’t often experience this with a budget flight.

Then I see my dad and mom at the exit, smiling widely and waving at me. On that second I feel so grateful that my parents are still alive and I could decide to go through from Sumatra to Sulawesi so that I could hug them.. again.

two old men

this morning when i was waiting for the bus, there were two men on a motorcycle passed in front of me. they were slowing down as they were turning left into an office. they were riding an old motorcycle. guess it comes from 90s. just like the motorcycle, those two men are old too. probably around 60s.

they remind me to my father, who seems to be getting a lot older since his 55th birthday last september. well, 55 years old shouldn't be too old. but in my father case, everyone in my family agreed that there was a fake on his birth year. because at my father's era, so few people has birth certificate (akte lahir). we wildly guessed that by the time my father needs to complete the required documents when applying to become a teacher, his parents just picked random/estimated year to be put into his birth certificate.

couple months ago i asked my father to resign from the school and stop working. of course he refused it instantly, "i am not that old!"

hehe... ok then.

i guess those two old men will probably have the same answer as my father's.

and i can only say, "way to go, daddy!" :-))

soundtrack of the week

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so

We all begin with good intent
When love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I have held so dear

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so

Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one misstep one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so

-Sarah McLachlan: Fallen

trouble maker?

am i feeling dejavu? such feeling of having already experienced the present situation?. no, i am not. i am currently in the situation where i remember exactly i was in this situation last year at the exact same month.

i know since last year some people labelled me overruled by my own team. some people think that i ask too many things. and they said i am too demanding. perhaps they're right.., at a part.

but, guess i don't care whatever they want to say. i have nothing to loose.

only, a friend reminded me last night that i have to be extra careful because whatever i am doing, whatever the thing i believe its true and i am seeking (read: demanding) an explanation for it, might cause an innocent victim.

yes, this is my first time working in non governmental organization where like other NGOs, they said, the funding security has always been a major challenge. that makes somethings are never perfect in terms of social security insurance. but then could it be become an excuses over and over again? when at the same time i see it with my eyes some expenses were made for luxury of high level meetings and trips?

the previous coordinator told me that this organization is very dynamic. sometimes over too dynamic. but he forgot to tell me that i have to be at my toughest level. especially when the blank spots are unfolded one by one as the time goes by.

the truth is, it is not healthy to have always deal with things that should've settled long before. the root cause has to be fixed. otherwise, this little critical issue one after another will keep bugging on.

but how to expect perfectness when the whole world was created with blanks here and there?

tetangga

hari ini, setelah seharian diskusi dengan teman-teman dan menagih janji-jani tulisan yang pernah disampaikan padaku, aku kembali berkutat dengan excel. bukan karena masih berkubang dalam data frame info hasil camera trap digital yang lumayan menggunung itu, tapi sekedar menyisihkan beberapa data untuk dipakai sebagai referensi mas imron dalam penelitiannya.

mataku pedih. leher sedikit pegal. disudut kanan bawah laptop angka 6.24 pm menunjukkan waktu yang berjalan tanpa menunggu apapun dan siapapun. tanpa harus merasa bersalah, aku berpindah window ke facebook. mbaca semua update yang tersedia di halaman 'home', membalas komentar seorang teman dan melihat beberapa foto seorang kawan yang pertama kali aku temui awal tahun ini.

foto2 dari lapangan. ada pemandangan hamparan hutan yang menghijau, suasana dapur camp, saat berada dalam hutan di depan sebuah pohon besar yang batangnya dipenuhi lumut, dan cerianya tim di depan mobil hardtop mereka yang memang selalu nampak gagah.

ah.., melihat itu semua entah kenapa rasa cemburu, iri dan rendah diri kembali datang menyergap. melihatnya dengan senyum mengembang dengan sepatu boot karet merk AP membalut kedua kakinya, membuatku merasa kecil. jauhh... kemampuan aku jauh dibelakang dia.

teringat saat aku dan beberapa teman menyambangi tempatnya di awal tahun ini. dengan hiking yang tidak direncanakan sebelumnya, dia dan timnya mengajak kami berkenalan dengan 'rumah' mereka. sebagai sesama orang lapangan dengan label di punggung yang berbeda, tentu coba menjaga ego. hahaha.. tapi aku dan teman2ku kalah telak. kami selalu berada di urutan paling buncit. niatnya hiking sampai puncak, tapi melihat kami yang berjalan seperti siput plus terengah-engah mengikuti jalur yang kata mereka adalah yang paling mudah, akhirnya diputuskan untuk kembali ke bawah. hmm... tak sengaja aku menangkap satu tatapan dari seseorang yang penting bagi program kami. sejujurnya aku gak tau artinya apa. toh juga klo ada arti tertentu. tapi sesuatu membisikkan padaku bahwa dia sedikit kecewa betapa lemahnya fisik kami., ini yang disebut orang lapangan? hehe...

aku cukup PD dengan kemampuan bhs inggrisku meski bolongnya masih sangat banyak. tapi saat dengannya dan seseorang itu, aku langsung tertinggal dalam percakapan. ntah karena dia yang memang suka ngomong atau karena dua orang ini sedang bernostalgi (mereka pernah bertemu dulu sekali dan tidak menyangka akan bertemu lagi) atau karena kemampuan bhs inggrisnya yang luar biasa sehingga dia tanpa hambatan bisa terus cas cis cus ngerocos tanpa henti. tentu diselingi dengan tawa yang sedikit membikin iri.

ah.. lagi lagi aku kalah telak.

saat diskusi tentang kerjaan, aku merasa sangat berwarna pucat. alias tidak tahu apa-apa. dia punya pengetahuan, kemampuan managemen tim dan kepercayaan diri yang mengagumkan. saat dia menguraikan tentang wilayah jelajah mereka, tim dan hasil yang mereka peroleh., aku hanya terpana kagum mendengarnya. dan kurasa seseorang itu tak kalah terpananya. kagum sudah jelas. saat itu aku merasa seharusnya dia yang dimiliki oleh tempatku, bukan aku.

wilayah kerjaku dan dengannya bersinggungan. toh sebelahan provinsi ini. tanggung jawab dan beban kerjaan pun aku rasa pasti tidak jauh berbeda. tapi dia sudah lebih dulu berjalan di bulan sedang aku baru bisa menyanyikan walking on the moon nya The Police.

kembali aku teringat diskusi dengan timku tadi. ada yang menanyakan, kami tidak ada npwp dan jamsostek ya? klo supir dan OB itu juga punya semua. hmm.. pertanyaan2 yang membuat lidahku kelu. dan jawaban di ujung bibir yang aku sangat benci. karena teman-teman adalah orang lapangan yang berbeda dengan staff reguler.

ahh.. saat-saat seperti ini aku merindukan celetuk si dia yang seringnya terlontar dengan ringan dan tanpa beban seperti saat dua kendaraan kotak yang kami bawa saling berganti macet, "ganti hardtop aja nanti, lebih tahan banting". atau saat dia bercerita tentang tiga jenis asuransi yang mengcover dia dan timnya, "iya jadi kalau asuransi pertama tdk bisa dipakai, bisa pakai asuransi yg kedua dan yang paling akhir dari kantor". hmmm... ingin sekali rasanya mendengar jawaban dia jika kutanya, apakah kalian semua juga dilindungi dengan jamsostek?

kalau seperti ini berarti ungkapan yang lebih pas adalah tetangga dan rumputnya yang lebih hijau? hehehe...